Shut The Front Door
by TheMuffinGirl31
Summary: (Set after the show ends) What if Jamie had been born a girl? As most of us had probably wanted, instead. Following the adventures of Dewey and Jamie growing up, Malcolm at Harvard, Reese working as the janitor at their old High School and living with Craig, and Francis and Piama raising their new family.
1. A Nice Happy Family Reunion

**A/N: So, yes, I'm starting a new fanfic. I have part of the next chapter for Unlucky done, but, I'm enjoying my spring break, and, I suddenly decided to start this. (I'm on about my 8****th**** time over of watching MitM all the way through. I know about every episode almost word for word.)**

**3****rd**** Person POV**

Jamie Juliet Wilkerson – sometimes called Juliet – was born into one of the worst families known to man. She's youngest of 5 children. The 3 oldest had already moved out. Her family was still in huge debt – when were they not? – but at least her older brother that was still in the house was more than halfway decent. And now, everybody was visiting for Christmas. Everyone. Francis. Piama. Reese. Malcolm.

Little Juliet was only 2 years old, and she was going to experience the whole family party. Dewey was experienced with these situations, at 13 years old. Reese was 20, and Malcolm 19. They were all gathered at the dinner table, a week before Christmas, Lois feeding Juliet. Juliet was giggling as she ate her dinner. It was suddenly eerily quiet. Ida was glaring at them through the front window.

"Are you gonna let me in? Or should I just crawl through the window with my one and a half legs?" Her rough voice broke through the silence. Hal started to get up, Lois put her hand on his arm and said,

"I'll get it, Hal." With a tinge of anger in her tone. She got up and walked over to the door. "Hello, mother." She greeted Ida. "Well isn't this a nice surprise?" Lois says as she walks back to the table with Ida. Everyone quietly murmurs in response. Ida immediately lights a cigarette when she sits down at the already too crowded table. "Mom. We've had this discussion a million times. Don't smoke inside!"

"Don't talk to me like that! And, besides, it doesn't stunt their growth. You turned out tall enough." Ida says casually. Lois sighs as she starts to feed Julie again. "Oh no. Who the hell is this one? Don't tell me you're _still_ spitting out children? You know, you should really keep your – "

"This is Jamie, mom."

"Isn't that a boys' name? Why do you keep setting your children up for failure? You should've sold her when you had the chance." Ida waves her cigarette around as she talks, getting smoke in Francis's face.

"So, Ida." Hal starts talking. "You just decided to leave?"

"Yeah, what's it to you?" Ida gets smoke in Francis's face again.

"Give me one of those." Francis grumbles as he reaches into her cigarette box and lights one with her lighter.

"Francis." Lois reprimands him.

"I'm stressed sitting next to the old hag!" He yells back, the cigarette dangling from his mouth.

"Stop encouraging her bad behavior!" Lois had stopped feeding Juliet by now, preoccupied. Juliet whined.

"It makes noise, too." Ida complained.

"…Wrinkled old bag of hatred." Francis mutters under his breath.

"So, Reese, how are things at our old High School?" Malcolm suddenly changes the subject.

"Amazing. I get to clean up the most grotesque messes. There was once this old rat that died inside of a – " Reese is cut off by Dewey.

"I got a B+ on my history paper." Dewey interrupts the disgusting description.

"Good job, son." Hal congratulates him

"That's amazing, Dewey." Lois says, who finally has some happiness in her tone.

"And that's something to be proud of? I worked like a dog to support my family in old country." Francis rolls his eyes.

"Of course, here we go." Francis grumbles.

"We still didn't have enough, what, with me and my brothers working constantly at the fields all day long."

"THIS ALWAYS TURNS INTO SOME SOB STORY FOR YOU. HOW YOU WORKED SO HARD AS A CHILD, AND SUFFERED THROUGH THIS ECONOMIC DEPRESSION, THAT FAMINE, OR THAT DROUGHT. WHY DON'T YOU LET SOMEONE ELSE HAVE THE SPOTLIGHT, FOR ONCE? LIKE POOR JULIET, OVER HERE. THE ONLY GIRL, YOUNGEST OF 5 SIBLINGS." Ida starts yelling at Francis at the same time, the two scream at each other for a couple minutes.

"ENOUGH!" Reese shouts. "THIS ISN'T HOW I WANTED TO SPEND CHRISTMAS, YOU BUTTWIPES."

"Why break tradition?" Malcolm interjects. All of a sudden, Jamie started coughing, and puked all over Lois. There was puke on Lois's chest, it was all over her shirt, and had splattered onto her face. Jamie giggled.

"You little…" Lois starts ranting. Hal stands up.

"Come on, honey, let's get you cleaned up." Hal says as he leads Lois to the bathroom. After a couple minutes, Hal and Lois came out of the bathroom, Lois wearing a clean shirt. Dewey set down his fork and knife on his plate, and walked over to the keyboard sitting on the other small table behind them.

"I have some sonatas and preludes to practice, the competition is this weekend." Dewey says as he walks over to the keyboard. He picks up his headphones and puts them on.

Ida scoffs. "Piano practice too important for his own family. Back when I was a girl – "

"Do. Not. Start." Francis interrupts Ida.

"So Dewey's getting pretty good, huh?" Malcolm asks.

"Oh yeah, we've just had competition after competition, and he practices for hours on end, it's beginning to get so crazy. He's a real prodigy." Lois answers. Hal was almost crying with pride for his son.

"So, grandma, want to tell us why you're really here?" Francis interrogates Ida.

"What? I can't just visit my family for a nice happy reunion? There has to be a reason?"

"Since it's you, then yes."

"Fine, fine. If you must know, I have lung – " She starts coughing horrendously. "Cancer." She says when she's done.

"Surprise, surprise." Francis mumbles under his breath.

**A/N: Sorry for the short chapter, it seemed long enough, and my bestie said it was short but okay. Who knew that something could finally kill the old hag? Next chapter coming… probably not soon, but it will be updated eventually.**


	2. More Happy Family Memories

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Malcolm in the Middle.

Malcolm, Reese, Francis, Hal, and even Piama shared a look that said 'finally'. They were as happy as clams. Jamie was cluelessly looking around at the faces of the other people in the room.

"Oh, mom. That's terrible." Lois said solemnly.

"Yeah, yeah. Pretend that you aren't jumping out of your seat with excitement." Ida remarked.

"No, mom. I really am sorry for you."

"Whatever. I wanted to say my goodbyes before I leave."

"Has your cancer really gotten that bad, mom?" Lois asked, concerned.

"No! I'm going to China for the chemotherapy. It's the best country there is. Everybody smokes, there's children working at the factories since they're the little one's age over there." Ida points to Dewey still practicing his piano. "It's a dream come true!"

"Why're you going all the way over to China, mom? There's plenty of great hospitals here in the U.S."

"When the doctor told me the best treatment would come from China, I jumped at the chance to go to my dream place." By this time, Hal, Reese, Malcolm, and Francis were gathered at a globe at the counter nearby, mumbling things about how far away she would be from them. Piama sat idly at the table with Jamie.

"Hal! Reese! Malcolm! Francis!" Lois yells at them. "DEWEY! Come say goodbye to grandma!"

"My flight leaves in an hour. Let's get this over with. I need to head out of here as soon as possible. I don't want to miss my flight." They all gathered around the table and hugged Ida and mumbled out goodbyes.

"Alright, now if you are all done pawing at me, I have one more thing. Since I might not survive this, I'm giving you the rest of my savings that I can spare. I'll send it to you when I get settled in China. I would give it to Susan, but she isn't my favorite any more. Turned off the hot water in the middle of my shower! How dare she! Turn off the hot water in the middle of _my_ shower!" She stood up, gathered her things and quickly walked out the door.

They were all sitting at the table, eating dessert now, Dewey still at his keyboard.

"Well that was different." Malcolm comments.

"I can't believe Grandma's moving all the way to China! It's a dream come true!" Reese says cheerily. Dewey was already back at his keyboard, practicing.

"Is he always on that thing? He's been on it all night!" Francis said.

"Yeah, but he's really getting good, and the competitions are getting more serious than ever." Lois commented.

"Hey, uh, Francis, can we go talk about _something?" _Piama stood up. They walked to the bathroom together.

"What was that all about?" Malcolm whispered to Reese.

"I don't know. Maybe she's pregnant or something." Reese whispers back.

"Francis and Piama don't exactly strike me as the family type."

"I bet you 5 bucks that she's pregnant."

"You're on."

*What was happening in the bathroom?*

"Don't you think we should tell them?" Piama asked Francis.

"Yes, but, not right now. Remember what happened when I brought you home to surprise them? Mom flipped, and Malcolm, Reese, and Dewey ran away."

"Yeah, I know… But we can't keep this a secret forever. I'll start showing soon."

"We could just tell them you've been mysteriously gaining weight!" Piama gave him a look that said 'Really?' "Alright, fine. Let's tell them, but do this gently." Francis conceded. Piama simply sighed.

They walk out of the bathroom, and stand at their seats at the dinner table.

"We've an announcement." Francis introduces.

"She's totally pregnant." Reese whispers.

"Dude, shut up." Malcolm responds.

"I'm… pregnant." Piama barely manages to get the last part out. Everyone stares in shock for a second, their faces frozen solid.

"Told you so." Reese whispered back.

"Whatever." Malcolm replied sullenly. "I'll pay you later." Lois opens her mouth to comment, but Hal blurts out,

"Congratulations!" before she could say anything. "That's great! Isn't it honey?" He says to Lois.

"Mhmm." Lois barely gets out through her clenched teeth.

"Not another baby!" Reese complains, groaning. "Ugh."

"It better be a boy." Malcolm grumbles.

"So how far along are you?" Lois asks with a fake sincerity.

"Just a few weeks. I don't know exactly." Piama returns in a similar tone.

"Oh. Good, good." Lois replies, still in the same tone.

"So, Malcolm. How's Cynthia?" Reese changes the subject. Malcolm returned his question with a glare.

"Shut. Up." Lois was still too distracted to notice the implication. "How's Molly and the restraining order coming?"

"Dude, you didn't have to go that far."

"I can play this game as well as you can." Reese just rolls his eyes. Lois and Piama were still having a staring contest.

Later, after everyone had gone to bed, Lois and Hal started freaking out again.

"Not again!" Hal grumbles

"I know, I'm tired of these scares, too, but, I'm late. Again."

"Alright, I'll grab a test from the stash in the garage." He quietly walks out of the bedroom to the garage. He returns in a couple minutes. "Here." He hands her a test. She storms to the bathroom.

"Negative." Lois says happily when she comes out of the bathroom.

"Oh thank god!" Hal cheers. Jamie starts crying.

"Hal! You woke her up, she is your responsibility."

"Fine." Hal groans, throwing his arms around in frustration.

Now, back in the boys' room.

The boys were all sound asleep, back in their old sleeping arrangements. Dewey had been spoiled lately, with having both the room and the bed all to himself. He was a little annoyed having to share a bed with his 19 year old brother and the room with his other 20 and 22 year old brothers. Malcolm and Reese silently, carefully, crawl out of their beds, and walk towards the window.

"The fireworks are hidden right beneath the swing set. We just need to dig them up, and then we can – " Malcolm started saying.

"Reese, Malcolm? What are you two doing up?" Francis whispers to them as he rises from the bed he was sharing with Reese.

"Oh, nothing." Malcolm replies casually, shrugging.

"Well, your costumes there suggest something else." Francis said, gesturing to their black clothing, and ski masks in hand.

"None of your business." Malcolm said defensively.

"Maybe its mom and dad's business." Dewey said cleverly, already out of his bed.

"Well, it's not." Reese said idiotically. Malcolm shook his head, disappointed in his brother's stupidity. "Shut up, Dewey."

"Hey! I am _thirteen_! I'm not a kid you can just push around anymore!" Dewey said a little too loudly.

"Shut up! Mom and dad are going to hear you!" Malcolm said, frustrated. "Come on Reese, let's just go." Malcolm says as he starts opening the window.

"Should we snitch?" Dewey asks Francis, Malcolm and Reese were already out of the room, the window shut.

"What good would it do? Mom and dad can't ground them or punish them anymore. They're not afraid any more. They've been set free. But me, I still have to come around and pick a fight with mom. Why do I do that? I can't leave well enough alone. I can't live with the fact that I'm on my own, now. She doesn't own me!" Francis was well on his way to yelling at the end of his monologue. "I HAVE NO IDEA WHY IT TOOK ME THIS LONG TO REALIZE THIS."

"Are you done? I want to get some sleep." Dewey says, irritated. He sighs in frustration when Francis doesn't answer and flops down on his bed. Francis was in a sort of daze, still standing around in the room.

**A/N: Sorry if this is a crappy chapter! I've been writing this a lot lately. I've actually had so much fun writing this fanfic. I tried to make this a much longer chapter.** **I also want to say thanks for all the reviews and favorites and follows! It really means a lot, knowing people enjoy my stories!**

*Piama is pregnant


	3. Why Do These Things Keep Happening?

**A/N: "When I go insane, I want to think I live in the Malcolm in the Middle world." - Anonymous**

Malcolm and Reese had shovels in hand, digging up the dirt directly beneath one of the swings. About half a foot down was the stash of fireworks they never got rid of, which they were saving for a special occasion. And this _definitely_ qualified as a special occasion. An old nemesis of theirs from high school was having a party at the local community college. Malcolm hadn't been to any college parties, and it was totally unfair that he never got invited. Reese had heard a lot about crazy parties working at his old high school, he was envious, but he would never admit it.

"God, it's been so long, I forgot how much we had here!" Reese exclaimed.

"Let's just hurry, the community college is about a half hour walk, and these fireworks are going to be heavy."

"Yeah yeah yeah, quit nagging me. You sound like my future non-existent wife." They both didn't say anything for a moment.

"So, how is the restraining order _really_ going?" Malcolm asked slowly, concerned.

"It got reduced to 10 feet. I guess that's a start. You know, I think I might actually really like her. This sucks. I act like a bumbling idiot every time I'm around her, and I can't help it at all." Reese rants.

"Me too! My personality usually gets in the way, and I mess it up somehow. I'm constantly on edge right now, Cynthia and I are going great at the moment, I know that I'll screw everything up, and it's stressful worrying about how and when I'm going to do something I know I'll regret." Malcolm and Reese finished stuffing fireworks into their black duffel bags. They walked over to the fence, checked if anyone was watching, threw the bags over the fence, climbed over, and headed off to the College.

Reese and Malcolm had been walking for about 10 minutes, when Reese suddenly said, "Aw man!" He lifted his foot up to see what he stepped in. "I stepped in dog shit."

Malcolm paused for a second, thinking. "Wait, maybe we could use it."

"What are you thinking?"

A sophomore college girl walked up to the punch bowl. While talking to her friend, she didn't look as she grabbed a cup and started pouring pink punch into it. Her friend suddenly screeched, extremely loudly.

"What?" The girl was about to take a drink out of her cup, clueless.

"THERE'S DOG SHIT IN THE PUNCH!" The girl's friend screeched again.

"Eww!" The girl carelessly throws her cup onto the newly cleaned carpets of the dorm.

"Hey! You're cleaning that up!" A football player said from the opposite side of the dorm, one of the owners of the dorm. The girl carelessly rolled her eyes.

Malcolm and Reese were high-fiving each other right outside the dorm room. "Now we wait for the rest." Malcolm says ominously.

From underneath the table with snacks and the dog crap punch, a fuse was at the end of its wick. Roman candles and a whole assortment of fireworks started bursting out from the table. Everyone jumped out of the way. Irreparable damage was done to the opposite wall and ceiling.

"Alright! I wanna know who did this, right now!" The owner yelled through the chaos, everyone was piling their way through, and never noticed the out-of-place college boy and high school janitor.

"Sweet!" Reese said as he and Malcolm were jogging off the community college property.

They were back at the house, opening up their bedroom window at about 1:30 in the morning. Dewey and Francis were sound asleep. They crept back into bed, and were silently sleeping within minutes, with the satisfaction of the damage and harm done to their old high school nemesis's dorm room.

There was a rough knock at the house's door.

"I'm not getting it." Lois said in a way that was nonnegotiable. Hal had just gotten back to sleep. He made a frustrated noise and reluctantly got out of bed. He looked over at the clock. It was 1:45 in the morning. He made his way to the door in his pajamas and robe.

"What?" Hal yelled to the police officers standing on the other side of his door before seeing that it was a police officer. "Oh." Hal says as he realizes whom he just yelled at, and sighed. "Which one is it?" He said in a bored tone.

"Two young college boys were spotted at the scene of fireworks being set off at a party at the community college." He said sternly.

"Malcolm! Reese! Get in here!" Hal yelled across the house, waking everybody else up, but hopefully not Jamie. Hal led the officer to the kitchen, and they sat down at the table. Piama, who wasn't sleeping well in the first place, sat up on the couch where she was sleeping. She was annoyed, but now that Hal and the officer were at the dining table, she could see everything unfolding.

"Those darn boys!" Lois grumbled as she got out of bed and made sure Malcolm and Reese were doing as they were told. She opened the boys' bedroom door and saw that Malcolm and Reese were pretending to be asleep.

"BOYS! Oh, don't even pretend like you're asleep. MALCOLM! REESE! GET UP!" They groaned in annoyance as they marched out of bed, into the hallway, and into the kitchen where Hal and the officer were sitting.

"Malcolm! They totally found out!"

"Shut up! Just play it cool, let me talk." Malcolm and Reese whispered to each other on their death march, hoping Lois, who was a yard or two behind them, wouldn't hear them. "What seems to be the problem, officer?" Malcolm asked politely. Reese was trying to not act guilty. His poker face was rough and out of practice.

"Witnesses say that two boys about your age were spotted leaving the scene of a firework explosion at a party at the community college around one in the morning." The tall, rough-looking officer stated. "And there was dog poop in the punch bowl." He added awkwardly a moment later.

"Really, boys? DOG CRAP IN THE PUNCH BOWL? I thought you boys were better than that!" Hal yelled at Malcolm and Reese.

"I can assure you, officer, that we've been quietly sleeping all night." Malcolm said. Reese gave a cheesy "Yep."

"Can anyone testify for that?" The officer responded.

"Yes. Our brothers are in our bedroom." Malcolm spoke before Reese could mess things up for them. The two of them walked back down the hallway to their bedroom.

"Okay, seriously. What did you guys do?" Dewey asked when Malcolm and Reese returned. Dewey and Francis had woken up five minutes ago when Lois came.

"Nothing. As far as you guys are concerned, we've been here all night." Malcolm said.

"What's in it for us?" Francis said.

"What?" Reese was outraged. "Can't you just do this as a brotherly favor?"

"Dude! Keep your voice down!" Malcolm said.

"How about we get the beds every time we have one these family reunions, and you two have to sleep on the floor." Dewey insists.

"Yeah. I think that's fair." Francis says.

"And the deal starts tonight. You guys sleep on the floor when this is all settled." Dewey continues.

"No way. _No way_!" Reese was still mad.

"You're our brothers! You're supposed to help us. That's what family is for." Malcolm adds.

"Family isn't for helping each other. It's for blackmail!" Dewey knew this the best.

Malcolm sighs. "Fine. Let's go." Reese was still trying to figure something out, be he was at a loss, as always. The four brothers walked back down the hallway to the dining room. Lois, Hal and the officer were starting to get impatient, and the boys' parents were suspicious.

"What took you four so long?" Lois asks skeptically.

"Oh, nothing." Malcolm says too quickly. "Reese got lost in the hallway."

Reese gives an overdone nod and smiles in a cheesy way. Lois wasn't convinced, but she was still wary of how this was going to play out.

"Yeah, you know how stupid Reese is. A bag of hammers could've found its way quicker than Reese." Dewey chimed in.

"Yep." Francis said in a bored tone. "But, he was certainly here all night. And so was my brother, Malcolm." He continues in the same tone.

"Ok. If you or your husband can affirm that these boys were here all night, then all charges will be dropped." The officer says sternly. Malcolm and Reese almost make visible sighs of relief. They remember to act cool.

"If you'll excuse us, I'd like to talk to the boys for a minute." Lois says suddenly, leading the boys back into their bedroom. "Alright, I know you two did it." Lois accuses when they're finally in the boys' bedroom, pointing at Malcolm and Reese. "If you confess, right now, then I'll let you two off the hook."

"Yeah, right. That's not the way things work around here. And since when do you _negotiate_? Well, besides the billboard incident. And the Ferris wheel. Wait, what happened that time Reese and I pushed Dewey off the pier?" Malcolm questioned.

"I still have a scar where I cut my leg on the ledge. And I haven't forgiven you." Dewey says, the need for revenge in his tone of voice, crossing his arms.

"Oh please, it wasn't that bad!" Reese exclaims.

"There were fish nets! I got tangled in them and almost drowned!" Dewey yelled back.

"It's not like you died or anything! Like that wasn't any worse when Francis hit me with a bayonet! Now the scar on my back totally trumps the one on your leg!"

"It does not!" Dewey replies.

"Alright, that's it, you two! We have business to settle. Now I know you two did it! If you fess up now, I might go a little easier on you this time." Lois gets the boys' attention back.

"Nice try, mom, but we're not your little puppets anymore. You can't ground us, you can't punish us in any way. We've already beat you." Malcolm says triumphantly.

"Fine. If that's the way you want it, then okay." Lois says casually. The five of them walk back to the officer and Hal. "Well, officer, I can also say that my well-behaved boys were here all night. I'm sorry you didn't find the culprits, but I'm sure you'll find them eventually. Good night, officer."

"Ok, goodnight, ma'am." He says as he leaves their house. Lois turns around and smirks.

"Night, boys." Lois says in a disturbingly pleasant tone of voice. Lois and Hal return to their bedroom. The boys shudder a little.

"Well that was creepy." Dewey states the obvious.

"Yeah, what was _that_ all about?" Reese asked. The answer remained unanswered as the boys soon returned to their room. Reese and Malcolm sleep on the floor. Francis and Dewey enjoyed having the beds to themselves.

**A/N: I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while. I had writer's block for a couple parts, so it may be a little crappy. Other than that, I don't have much to say. The updates will probably be sooner in the summer, but until then, the updates will probably be as long as this one.**

** A/N: (This is the A/N I added after revising the chapter) I finally finished it! YAY! Although it has been like a week since my 5-day weekend, in which I barely worked on it. Even though it shouldn't take so long to revise. I'm so bad at this. I'm having a really bad writer's block with this story, because I'm trying to really capture the personalities of these unique characters and how they interact with each other. And I'm trying to connect all these chapters' plots together, because I feel like a lot of things have happened, and they haven't really made any sense so far, together, as a bigger plot through the whole story. (If that last sentence even made any sense at all) I'm trying my best so that this story doesn't end up like my other piece of crap called a fanfiction. And I'm tired right now. It's like ten thirty. Alright, I'm finally done with this long author's note.**


	4. Quick Author's Note

**A/N: This isn't a new chapter, I just want to say that I know chapter 3 was absolutely crappy and awful and stuff… So I'll eventually get to doing some serious revising, and updating a much better version of it. That just means that the next update will be a new chapter 3, and the update after that, hopefully chapter 4. And hopefully the next update will be quicker, because I have a 5-day weekend this weekend. I have Thursday off, and I won't be going to school Friday, and then we have Monday off for Memorial Day. So yay me! (Not to brag or anything)**


	5. I am a Terrible Human Being

**A/N: I am super super sorry that I haven't updated in literally forever. I have a huge writer's block, and I never feel like writing anymore. I promise I'm not going to give up on any of my stories, I think I'm just going to take a temporary break from them. I don't know when I'll pick them back up again, but I'll try to get them going again before summer ends, because I know that next school year is going to be busy for me. I'm sorry I really am. I also want to thank everyone who has given a review, or favorited or followed any of my stories. Thanks for all the support! **


End file.
